The script I promised...

Here's the script I promised earlier. The footage has been shot as well. This was a collaborative effort between me and The_GM. Let us know what you think, and/or if you're able to tell who wrote what... :-)

“THE ACCOUNTANT, PART 3 (FUNERAL SCENE)”

by

Asaraludu & The_GM

FADE IN:

VISITATION

Vincenzo stands inside the entrance to the funeral home. He’s dressed in a dark suit. At his right is Gino, also dressed in dark suit. Both are greeting guests who come into the home. Behind Gino and Vincenzo are several of Vincenzo’s men, milling about. Mourner 1 approaches after viewing Bella’s body and placing a single white rose onto the casket, a thirty-something woman in a black dress.

MOUNER 1

She’s with God now.

VINCENZO

Thank you for coming. Buttana! Tagliati di facchi!

Vincenzo speaks the last part QUIETLY yet VENEMOUSLY as Mourner 1 turns away. The line thins, and Gino and Vincenzo’s men move away. The camera focuses in on Gino and Vincenzo. Vincenzo turns to Gino, his face filled with ANGUISH.

VINCENZO

Gino? Filio…

Gino raises his hand and says:

GINO

Basta.

Gino turns and starts walking for the restroom.

VINCENZO

I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.

Gino turns back briefly, his face SERENE but his voice dripping with SARCASM.

GINO

Why would you be? It’s the life you chose for me.

VINCENZO

Me?! This is the life you chose for her!

Gino’s bodyguard Mick follows him to the restroom, standing outside.

*POSSIBLE CUT SCENES TO JOEY/PATTIE CONVERSATION (CUT SCENE 1) AND RUSSIAN ENTRY (CUT SCENE 2)*

Excusing himself from his bodyguard Mick, Gino enters the restroom, locking the door once inside. He takes a deep breath and sighs deeply. After splashing some water on his face and toweling off, he draws his pistol and places it next to the sink. Then he stares at his reflection in the mirror for long moments, his face IMPASSIVE. Slowly his gaze travels upward and his shoulders begin to shake as he starts SOBBING silently. His hands grip the sink rim to steady himself, but he loses control as he attempts to sit down on the toilet seat and instead falls to the floor.

Outside the restroom door:

MICK

Boss?

Gino sits there for several more moments, silently wracked with sobs. He controls his breathing, and with a TREMBLING hand reaches for the pistol. Once he grips it, the trembling stops. Gino closes his eyes as he brings the barrel to his temple?/chin?/mouth? and lets out a DEEP BREATH.

CAMERA ZOOMS TO PISTOL WITH FINGER ON TRIGGER, PERHAPS ONE OF GINO’S EYES.

Gino begins to slowly squeeze the trigger. Just before the weapon is about to go off, Mick raps sharply on the door.

MICK

Boss! You need to get out here.

Gino inhales sharply and opens his eyes quickly. Through the door:

GINO

Gimme a goddamned second!

Gino tucks the pistol back in his pants and tries to compose himself. He quickly flushes the toilet, unlocks the door, and walks back toward Vincenzo.

CUT SCENE 1 – JOEY/PATTIE CONVERSATION

Joey and Pattie stand before the casket paying respects as other mourners come and go. On top of the casket is a framed photograph of the deceased. Joey picks it up, FROWNING at it as he scrutinizes the picture.

JOEY

She reminds me of somebody.

Pattie looks disinterested, staring out into the pews.

PATTIE

Yeah?

JOEY

Remember, that girl from Saint Innocent?

PATTIE

That was before my time…

Joey interrupts, growing more excited.

JOEY

Her name was Nadya or some shit. Maybe Nikki. I dunno. Anyways, that girl looked kinda like Bella.

PATTIE

Don’t let the old man hear you say that shit.

Joey lowers his voice a bit.

JOEY

Ever tell you about that?

Pattie shakes his head no.

JOEY

So that bastard Latimir had been causing trouble. Same old shit, ya know? The old man, he’d had enough. So we were gonna shake things up a bit. Make a statement, ya know?

PATTIE

Sure.

JOEY

So we head over to their territory when the old man says,

Joey imitates Vincenzo’s RASPY voice

JOEY

“Stop the car!”

Pattie chuckles a bit as Joey continues.

JOEY

So Gino, he pulls right in front of Saint Innocent. The Russians were having some kinda ceremony, like a confirmation or some shit, I dunno. But they’re all comin’ outta the church and Vincenzo bails from the car. I was right behind him. It was my first job with the old man.

Pattie’s eyebrows raise.

PATTIE

At a fuckin’ church, Joey? Are you serious?

Pattie is incredulous, but still laughing. Joey shrugs and smiles.

JOEY

So the shit’s goin’ down, lead flying everywhere and all the sudden I see a sniper out the corner of my eye, hiding behind a pillar, all commando and shit. I take my shot and split that bastard right between the eyes. ‘Cept it ain’t no sniper.

Pattie’s eyes widen in CONCERN.

PATTIE

It was the girl?!

Joey laughs and shakes his head.

JOEY

Even worse. It was the Virgin Mary. Can you believe that shit? I ventilated the fucking Virgin Mary.

Both laugh. Pattie continues to laugh as he says

PATTIE

You’re going to Hell for that.

Joey falls silent and places the photo back on the casket. He looks Pattie dead in the eye. His voice is SERIOUS.

JOEY

We’re all going to Hell, Pattie. And it ain’t because we shot up some fuckin’ statue.

Pattie falls silent and looks UNCOMFORTABLE. Joey gives the casket a friendly pat.

JOEY

Her name was Nina. She got caught in the crossfire. Just like Bella.

CUT SCENE 2 – THE RUSSIAN ENTRY. As Gino walks toward the restroom, Vincenzo works his mouth is if say something, then composes himself. He turns his attention to the main entry, where Latimir enters, small BOX in hand, Vasili right behind, Vladislav and Ghost stepping to flank the doors. Sensing the threat, Vincenzo’s men step up around him. Latimir approaches Vincenzo, who reflexively proffers his hand. Latimir shakes it, holding his grip and smiling while he speaks.

LATIMIR

Condolences, Don Liota. Eez terrible to lose one so… eennocent. I KNOW EXACTLY how you feel.

Latimir SLOWLY lifts his hands and displays the BOX. THE TENSION MOUNTS. He offers it to Vincenzo, who looks at it quizzically. He takes it from Latimir’s hand, who says:

LATIMIR

Thees eez for YOU and YOURS… from ME and MINE.

Latimir nods his head and turns back toward the door. Joey and Pattie step up behind Vincenzo, and Pattie gives Vasili a HARD LOOK. Vasili returns the look with a MANIACAL GRIN, eyes WILD, before falling into step behind Latimir. As the two leave, Vladislav and Ghost close in behind the both of them.

After watching them exit, Vincenzo notices the BOX in his hand again and passes it to Joey. Joey drops the BOX, and it spills open revealing a spent SHELL casing. Everyone stares at it. A SMALL SOUND (grunt/wheeze?) escapes Vincenzo. Gino and Mick approach, pressing into the circle around the SHELL. The SHELL becomes like a singularity, from which its gravity no one can escape.

VINCENZO

The Russians did this.

Gino reaches down and takes the SHELL. All eyes follow it. His hand closes around it tightly, his face a mask of singular PURPOSE.

FADE OUT:

THE END

The Accountant

My friend Nick is an aspiring young filmmaker who has been pouring quite a bit of his talent into a project he calls "The Accountant". It's about a young accountant that gets wrapped up with the Italian and Russian crime syndicates, and an ensuing vendetta.

Recently he not only asked me to play a role in the film, but also to write a dramatic funeral scene for part 3 of the film. I may even post the script out here, once completed (if Nick approves).

The fingers united can never be defeated by the stark white document template

Some folks spend lifetimes striving for that bit of Taoist perfection known as wu wei, or “without effort” – which is interesting in that the act itself of striving is counter-intuitive to the seeker’s path. Writing, for me, is usually accompanied by much wailing and gnashing of teeth. It’s not so much a struggle with vocabulary as it is with impetus. I do not believe that others care to listen to me.

And so I’d look for material that grabs people’s interest. But the truth seems to be that, much like situational comedy, the material matters less than the delivery itself. Pacing, voice, and wit. How does one work on those? Write. Write. Continue writing. How does the master comedian continue to be funny when playing off the crowd, or when his shtick runs out? I contend that he’s not trying to be funny – he just is.

I read so much Lovecraft that I could talk my way around a subject for three pages without once getting the reader to look AT IT. Not that I’ll say I had Howard’s particular je ne sais quoi. But working to develop your own voice – that’s another matter. Or is it? Because you’ve always had your own voice, and if you’ve ever been able to attract others to listen to your stories, if you’ve ever evoked an emotional response from another human being, then it’s not really hard work, is it? What about this subject matter? It’s dry, boring shit, isn’t it? Or maybe it’s not – I don’t give a fuck. But I’m OK writing it because I decided to just WRITE.

Popular thought indicates that writer’s block can be a chronic problem, brought on by depression and anxiety. No shit? It’s chronic in the same way that my body hurts when I wake up because I don’t exercise enough and have let my muscles atrophy. If I galvanize myself to action, by whatever motivation works for me, I effectively set foot on a path, beginning a journey. Where to? I’m not one to fret over the destination anymore. The beauty is in the motion.

The ancient Greeks treated the human form as godlike and believed a human perfected was beautiful, intelligent, and in touch with the gods (I’ll replace with “in touch with their inner being or spirituality”). Do I think that if I become Jim Jupiter that my writing will improve. Actually, I do.

So where’s this going? How will your investment of time pay off if you continue to read through to the end of this little stream of semi-consciousness? It won’t. There’s no moment of lucidity here – no revelations about breaking down any barriers. Could it be there ARE no revelations? And maybe the barriers that block us from true creativity are only constructs we place before ourselves because we fear our own excellence. And maybe I’m a Chinese jet pilot.

My Credentials

Back in late 2006, some old high school friends of mine and I decided to start a new technology business. We divvy'ed up titles and responsibilities, and gave the company a name (Red Folder, LLC - subject for another post on another day).

The CFO asked me to write a bio for myself. Fast forward to the last week or so. I've been struggling with the idea of writing comedy. How does a professional writer buckle down and produce funny material? I kicked this idea around with The_GM, who gave me her thoughts on how good comedy is written.

It just so happens today Mr. CFO reminded me of the farcical bio I returned to him. I must warn you, what follows will perhaps not strike you as funny. Unless you like Mountain Dew, or girls avoided you like the plague in high school, or you played Dungeons & Dragons. Like I did. Wait, I still do. Names have not been changed - there are no innocents!

Anthony R. Milani, Vice President and COO, has over 20 years experience as a Dungeon Master focused primarily in Greyhawk and Spelljammer campaign settings. During his career, he successfully ran over 15 campaigns exceeding 1 year each, killing several key player characters and disgusting at least 2 players who never returned to a game session. Longtime gamer Eric Sayre comments: "Tony sucked as a dungeon master, but no one else wanted to do it. That bastard... I rolled a natural 20 with a vorpal sword against a nightmare beast. Fucker decided my sword wasn't long enough to decapitate the thing, and it ended up killing the entire party." "Yeah, that session really sucked," concurs Ben Herman, President and CEO. "Dark Sun sucked enough! We ate sand, shit sand, and fought with bones and rocks. Damn thing was enraged when Eric half-cut it's head off and I nearly died escaping with a teleport. But of course, it could somehow track me and kept teleporting after me until I ran out of power. Eventually my character was eaten and shit over a cliff. I think Tony was just mad that he got a speeding ticket earlier that day."

Anthony nearly finished a two-year technical degree at Indian Hills Community College in Ottumwa, IA. However his career already flourishing, he flushed it all away to run the Dragon Mountain series of adventures. Bill Matkovich, Vice President and CTO, recalls, "If Evoc hadn't been wearing those Gloves of Missile Snaring, he'd have been shot dead by that Arrow of Slaying. Instead, I got MVP for that game. Good times... Of course, it cost me another term of college loans to get it."

Not content with ruining or delaying other's college careers, Anthony went on to begin a disastrous marriage to a hell-spawned succubus in 1999. Recovering his soul three years later, he began the long road to recovery aided by many long hours of Ghost Recon. Says Anthony, "If I'd been any decent at making game mods, I'd have remade every mission to include the Plaintiff's face on the enemy soldiers."

Unemployed and nearly an alcoholic, he managed to land a job at Wells Fargo Financial in 2002 where he licked his wounds at the helpdesk and sneered at stupid end-users who couldn't remember their passwords. A year later, he landed a job managing the entire company's workstations. A few years after that, he was promoted to a management position where it was thought he could do the least amount of damage. He contents himself today with online gaming and Cheetos.