My Credentials

Back in late 2006, some old high school friends of mine and I decided to start a new technology business. We divvy'ed up titles and responsibilities, and gave the company a name (Red Folder, LLC - subject for another post on another day).

The CFO asked me to write a bio for myself. Fast forward to the last week or so. I've been struggling with the idea of writing comedy. How does a professional writer buckle down and produce funny material? I kicked this idea around with The_GM, who gave me her thoughts on how good comedy is written.

It just so happens today Mr. CFO reminded me of the farcical bio I returned to him. I must warn you, what follows will perhaps not strike you as funny. Unless you like Mountain Dew, or girls avoided you like the plague in high school, or you played Dungeons & Dragons. Like I did. Wait, I still do. Names have not been changed - there are no innocents!

Anthony R. Milani, Vice President and COO, has over 20 years experience as a Dungeon Master focused primarily in Greyhawk and Spelljammer campaign settings. During his career, he successfully ran over 15 campaigns exceeding 1 year each, killing several key player characters and disgusting at least 2 players who never returned to a game session. Longtime gamer Eric Sayre comments: "Tony sucked as a dungeon master, but no one else wanted to do it. That bastard... I rolled a natural 20 with a vorpal sword against a nightmare beast. Fucker decided my sword wasn't long enough to decapitate the thing, and it ended up killing the entire party." "Yeah, that session really sucked," concurs Ben Herman, President and CEO. "Dark Sun sucked enough! We ate sand, shit sand, and fought with bones and rocks. Damn thing was enraged when Eric half-cut it's head off and I nearly died escaping with a teleport. But of course, it could somehow track me and kept teleporting after me until I ran out of power. Eventually my character was eaten and shit over a cliff. I think Tony was just mad that he got a speeding ticket earlier that day."

Anthony nearly finished a two-year technical degree at Indian Hills Community College in Ottumwa, IA. However his career already flourishing, he flushed it all away to run the Dragon Mountain series of adventures. Bill Matkovich, Vice President and CTO, recalls, "If Evoc hadn't been wearing those Gloves of Missile Snaring, he'd have been shot dead by that Arrow of Slaying. Instead, I got MVP for that game. Good times... Of course, it cost me another term of college loans to get it."

Not content with ruining or delaying other's college careers, Anthony went on to begin a disastrous marriage to a hell-spawned succubus in 1999. Recovering his soul three years later, he began the long road to recovery aided by many long hours of Ghost Recon. Says Anthony, "If I'd been any decent at making game mods, I'd have remade every mission to include the Plaintiff's face on the enemy soldiers."

Unemployed and nearly an alcoholic, he managed to land a job at Wells Fargo Financial in 2002 where he licked his wounds at the helpdesk and sneered at stupid end-users who couldn't remember their passwords. A year later, he landed a job managing the entire company's workstations. A few years after that, he was promoted to a management position where it was thought he could do the least amount of damage. He contents himself today with online gaming and Cheetos.

Norah Jones?

The_GM gave me some thematic words and less than 500 words to craft a compelling story. You be the judge.

When I saw the break of day, I was reminded of the way a coffee stain spreads along a napkin. Dim light crawled its way onto the blanket of night. Purples and deep reds pushed back the midnight blues to make way for orange-gold clouds rimed with frosty darkness.

I shivered as a chill ripped through me. The stain was devouring the lowest clouds. Funny that I imagined feeling the cold. What point of reference did I have? I’d long since abandoned warmth and sunshine for the Abyss.

My skin started to itch. I wanted to scratch. Hell, I wanted to bolt. Hard prospect when I had a two-inch spike protruding from my chest. Left here. Unable to die. Pinned to a tree like a moth under glass. Moth was such a perfect reference. A croak issued from my throat, the best laugh I could muster past immobile lips. I could almost hear my last feeble flutterings against a pane of glass. That pane of glass was my life. Or whatever semblance of one remained to me.

Strange… my life was a multi-colored blur of emotion before it was so utterly changed. It was all so powerfully confusing. And it seemed so long ago, even though it’d only been a year. And since, all the color had washed out of my world. There was only white-hot hunger and dreary longing.

I tried to stay away, but time only seemed to intensify that final emotion I clung to. Brian stood out stunningly against the wash of gray faces, those I now regarded as food. I came to him, flushed with heat from recent kills. Despite all his questions, he embraced me as he once had. The intensity of our love stayed his curiosity for a while.

But I grew sloppy.

Is love eternal or fickle, or both?

Brian asked me to meet him for a midnight stroll in the park. When we’d first dated, we’d sometimes stay out all night and we’d steal away here in the small hours. There was a small hill with a bent oak at the top. We’d sit in the lower branches and watch the sun rise. This time he glared at me monstrously as he drove the wedge between my breasts, paralyzing me instantly. As he left me there, he said, “I loved you so much, Penny.” I wanted so much to tell him I loved him too.

The itch became a hot tickle that bathed my face and arms. The sun was seconds beyond the horizon. My eyes were already filming over as I watched the sky blaze into a prismatic spray of gorgeous pastel.

It was so beautiful. I wished that I could fly away.

Oh Brian…

Writing exercises

My friend The_GM challenged me to flex my writing muscles. In turn, I challenged her to post her writings up here with mine for open critique.

A few warnings!

• We're looking for constructive critique. Flame wars won't be tolerated. The_GM likes to nuke the site from orbit.
• There may be the occasional adult-oriented content out here. We might even swear sometimes. If we start getting obscene, we'll turn on the adult content site features.

Otherwise, enjoy the reading and feel free to post your thoughts, suggestions, etc.